


Alien Feelings

by aethelwulf



Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 09:23:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18333209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aethelwulf/pseuds/aethelwulf
Summary: Thel has some feelings.





	Alien Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a year ago. Thanks to Discord, it's now on the internet.

Thel ‘Vadam was a Sangheili of esteem, especially after dismantling the Covenant to establish a new world order. He had reclaimed the title of Arbiter, and now he was respected by his people, feared by his enemies, and truly worthy of the honor bestowed upon him. He was a scholar above all; one could usually find him poring over books in the evening, taking notes, after rigorous training sessions or political functions. Yet there was one thing he did not understand: human customs. Humans were so different from Sangheili. The more time he spent around them, the more they confused him. ‘Vadam knew he was less than proficient at reading humans, but there was one man who continually perplexed him more than anyone else.

“Demon, are you well-equipped for our monthly sleepover tonight?” he asked one evening while walking with the Spartan-II in the garden of his stately home.

“Arbiter, I don’t do sleepovers,” the Demon replied.

‘Vadam frowned in his Sangheili way. “You say that every month.”

“And I mean it every month.”

The Arbiter was about to protest, but the instant he looked at the Demon he found he could not say anything. Light from the setting sun glinted off his helmet in a way that made him look serene, yet fiery, just like his personality. And the flower crown ‘Vadam had crafted for the Demon about an hour earlier was arranged so beautifully upon his Mark IV helmet.

“Can I… help you?” Demon asked, confused.

“No!” ‘Vadam shouted. “I was just thinking about, uh, how ugly you are!” With that, he ran away, leaving the perplexed Demon in the courtyard alone.

 _What is this… flowery feeling within my chest?_ ‘Vadam wondered. _I must find his construct, she will know._

“Cortana!” he boomed. “I require your assistance!”

The blue woman appeared on a pedestal, looking rather peeved. “What?”

“I have strange feelings for the Demon, the man whom you call Master Chief.” ‘Vadam did not understand why the Demon’s construct doubled over in laughter, and he did not know that if she were a human, she would have peed herself laughing.

“You have—strange feelings?” She wiped a nonexistent tear from her eye.

“Yes, for example, I feel warm and fluttery inside when I think about—”

Cortana burst into laughter again. She pulled up a small holographic screen and played an audio recording: “I have strange feelings for the Demon—” She tapped the screen again. “—warm and fluttery inside—”

“STOP THAT!” the Arbiter roared. He once more fled from the situation, this time heading to his bedchamber. He’d don his Gucci fur coat; then perhaps an hour spent artfully weeping upon his bed would help clear his mind.

“It’s fine, Thel,” Cortana said, appearing on the terminal she had for some reason insisted he install in his room. “You could have a crush on John. That’s completely normal.”

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM, CONSTRUCT!” ‘Vadam shouted once more. “YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE!”

Cortana ignored him. “You know, he probably likes you back. He’d never tell you that though. In fact, you should tell him.” She thought about it for a moment. “There’s really nothing to be lost. Maybe you two could even date.”

‘Vadam was suddenly more confused than he had ever been in his life. “Date?”

“Yeah, you know. Go out places, watch holos together… classic stuff. Don’t tell me you guys don’t do that on Sanghelios.”

“Then I shall not tell you that,” ‘Vadam replied, respecting Cortana’s wishes. “Construct, I implore you. You must teach me how to ‘date’.”

“Me?” She looked stricken. “Look, Thel, I may have access to all the information in the universe, but I can’t teach you that. It takes a human touch. You know what? I think you should ask Johnson.”

“The man you call Sergeant?”

Cortana grinned devilishly, knowing exactly what she was doing. “He’s the one.”

* * *

“You WHAT NOW?”

“Must I repeat myself for a third time?” ‘Vadam asked, beginning to feel annoyed. “I—”

“I heard you, son.” Johnson held a hand up to silence the Arbiter. “Why ask me, though?” 

“The Demon’s construct sent me to you; thus, here I am. Has she made a mistake?”

“Cortana? No.” Johnson chewed on his cigar. “Nah, that lady doesn’t make mistakes.”

“Therefore you should be able to help me.”

“Yeah, guess so…” Johnson shook his head. “Dating the Master Chief? That one’s new, I’ll give ya that. Now, look, here’s what you do. You take him somewhere private, right? You got a big garden or somethin’ out back? Take him there. Tell him you got somethin’ important to say and just say it straight up, son. That boy’s smart as hell, but when it comes to shit like this, he’s denser than a rock.”

“Understood. Thank you for your time, brave warrior.” With that, he rushed off to the garden.

* * *

Demon was more or less where he left him: sitting completely still, watching the sunset. ‘Vadam knelt down behind him and put a clawlike hand on his shoulder, but the Demon did not flinch.

“Demon,” he said gently. “I have something of great importance which I must tell you.”

The Demon nodded slightly.

“I—what was it your construct said?” ‘Vadam thought for a moment. “Oh, yes, that’s right. I could crush you.”

“Crush… me?” The Demon sounded slightly ticked off. “Cortana said that?”

“Yes,” ‘Vadam said confidently. “And I trust her. Do you not?”

The Demon rose to his full, yet minute, seven feet, and cracked his joints. “I’m not so sure anymore. If you think you can crush me, why don’t you give it a try?” Then he tackled ‘Vadam to the ground, and they began to spar.

The Demon was admittedly a good fighter, but this wasn’t at all how ‘Vadam imagined the situation would play out. _Or perhaps… we are already dating! That must be it. Cortana mentioned the “classic” way, perhaps fighting is a modern way of “dating” one’s beloved,_ ‘Vadam mused. He put his heart and soul into the fight, but still lost. Losing was no quandary. In fact, he was elated, for that simply meant that the Demon felt the same way about him.

‘Vadam was happy to see that the spray of lilies and pink Earth-roses had not fallen off the Demon’s head. “Good night, Demon!” he said cheerfully before heading back inside. That night, he clutched his pillow tightly and dreamed of the Master Chief.

* * *

He awoke to the familiar voices of Demon and his construct, right outside his door. “Just talk to him,” said the sharp, feminine voice of Cortana. “I wouldn’t be so adamant if I knew he was going to rebuff you, John. Trust me for once.”

There was a sudden knock on the door. ‘Vadam rushed to arrange himself in an aesthetically pleasing manner on the bed. “You may enter,” he said.

Demon opened the door. “Is now a bad time?”

“No, not at all. Please, come in.” He gestured to a plush seat that, admittedly, was crafted to accommodate the Sangheili physique, but would suit the Demon well enough. He made a mental note to buy a human chair for the Spartan-II. “What brings you here today, Demon?”

“John is fine,” the man said. “And Cortana wants me to tell you something.”

“Go on.”

“I… like you. Romantically.”

Much to the Demon’s surprise, Thel ’Vadam simply laughed. “I should hope so, D—I mean, John! After all, we are dating.”

“We’re… what?”

Cortana suddenly appeared as a hologram in the terminal nearby. “Wait, what? You’re already dating?” She turned to John and pointed an accusing finger. “And _you,_ Chief, didn’t tell me?”

He raised his hands protectively. “I didn’t know!”

“You didn’t know?” ‘Vadam huffed indignantly. “What about when we fought yesterday?”

Cortana crossed her arms. “Okay, now I am very confused.”

“Is passionate sparring not considered a mode of Earthen dating?”

“Passionate?” Cortana asked. “That’s kind of weird, but fine, I guess. And to answer your question, no, not really.”

“Ah, by the Swords of Sanghelios!” ‘Vadam cried. “Why must your Earth customs be so complex?”

John, who had been thinking, suddenly spoke up. “They don’t have to be.”

After that, John and ‘Vadam started having weekly date nights. And if anyone wandered into ‘Vadam’s expansive garden on one such night, that poor soul would find nothing more than two lovers engaged in a romantic date—that is to say, combat. They gave affection to each other in the only way they knew how: by beating the hell out of each other. On one particular June evening, Johnson and Cortana decided to watch the pair from a third-floor window.

“Ah, young love,” Johnson said.

“John’s, like, fifty,” Cortana replied as ‘Vadam repeatedly smashed the Chief’s helmet with the hilt of a deactivated energy sword. “But yeah, I get what you’re saying.”

Johnson squinted down at the couple, then frowned. “Wait a second, that’s _my_ Spartan laser. Hell no!” He opened the window. _“MASTER CHIEF!”_

THE END.


End file.
